Space: Taking it up, Existing within it + Holding it
What do you mean, about space?
I was recently on a FaceTime with a human I met off Feeld doing a check in call to see if we vibed and wanted to plan a meet up. This is part of my personal vetting process for online dating to not only as a barrier for safety, but even more so to preserve and respect my time, energy, and practice my ability to be radically honest and discerning.
We were in a good and easy conversation flow - touching in on and bouncing from one subject to the next. We were talking casually about being Virgos, control, and what it is to be “dominant” when I said, it’s a baseline indicator for me if someone can earn my submission if they have the ability to hold space naturally in any setting unscripted. They asked, “what do you mean by hold space?”
SPACE is something that we all naturally give and take. It’s a part of existing and is a birthright for all that are living. It is something that we leave behind when we transition from one life into another realm. It’s multi-dimensional and shape-shifts like water from energetic, to physical, to situational, to literal. Space is in parts a guidebook for learning how to exist in this lifetime and is a permission to develop ones own expression around connection in all parts of life.
I think there are 3 major ways we explore SPACE as a mirror to evolution in who we are, how we relate to others + the world, and how we develop agency in our own individuality. What I’ve observed as I’ve moved deeper into my facilitator and teacher role is that there are ways we take up space, ways we learn to exist within space, and then there are ways that we develop the skills to space hold (quote from the post earlier this week, Empowered as in a Reclamation of Energy).
Photo by Laura Vinck on Unsplash
Existing within Space
I was raised to be seen and not heard. To be close enough to not cause worry, but invisible in every other way. To mold myself in a way that I can exist within a room without causing a disturbance to the “order” as it should be as it was had been predetermined. This meant conforming to whatever and however I was expected to be - sometimes told, sometimes assumed and corrected energetically (with a look or shift in body language), verbally (with an ask, demand or threat) or physically (with a subtle, assertive or aggressive gesture or touch).
I learned that existing within space meant I could be here, but I could not be my own self. I learned that existing within space meant to blend in and not stand out at all costs in order to prevent getting in or causing trouble, violence, or the possibility of being removed from space.
As I move through my years in this human form and layers of healing as I learn what it is to be wholer versions of myself - learning to exist within space has been a part of “coming + claiming home within myself.” Existing within space currently looks like finding settling in my inner world when the space outside of me feels unsettled. It feels like showing up exactly as I am without masking or putting on a show to perform and appease the people in the room. It means moving slower so that I can move with more discernment and make choices from more honest places with less people pleasing or reactions from resentment from feeling repressed or wronged. It means allowing my rawness to have a place in my life that may feel messy, too vulnerable, and challenge my perfectionistic facade.
Existing within space also means awareness, acceptance, and ownership of myself in ways that acknowledge that I am not the only one here in this moment in time. It means being collaborative in ways that don’t dishonor my needs, wants, or truths, but also not overriding others experiences. It means allowing myself to have what I need in the moment, but not to the detriment of others comfort, sense of safety, consent, or personal agency. Existing within space allows us to build and explore closeness and care with ourselves alongside others while also holding reverence for the fluidity and flexibility that is needed to coexist within this world.
Taking up Space
Most people have gone through some kind of system like school that taught us to ask and wait for permission to speak, move, and engage with others. We learned that if we want to contribute to the conversation, we have to raise our hands and it’s up to whomever is in charge or has the most hierarchy in the space to give us the right to speak. That if they don’t like what we have to say or what we do, it’s a high probability that our right to take up space will be taken away.
This creates doubt, uncertainty, insecurity and fear in some. Rage, outbursts, overconfidence, and rebellion in others. For me, it turned me towards spaces where I could use my voice, get my thoughts out and together, and say what I had to say with the least possibility of experiencing harm. This is how I began writing. Why it is such a sacred practice that isn’t just something I do, but is even more so a part of who I have become.
Taking up space is a reclamation of self in a world that demands that you copy/paste/conform to the “norm.” It’s a practice of self connection that allows you to self validate while sharing space with others. And it’s a leaning into the discomforts of stepping on stage and letting your own truths shine out. Taking up space is also a humility to allow others around you to have the spotlight too. It’s sharing in ways that are true practices of giving and taking in ways that create room for dialog, differences in perspective, and honoring of each person’s individuality without sacrificing the possibility for connection.
Holding Space
I think most people these days have been introduced to “inner child” work in one form or another. No matter if you’ve decided to dive in and do the depth work or you’re just brushing the surface and reflecting with newer awareness of all the experiences you’ve had in your life - and as your younger self - within this connection to the “little you” you begin to uncover what holding space is.
When we discover what something is, we also by default begin to understand more of what it is not. I was one who learned to be self sufficient in order to “earn” the peace and love my little self wanted most. I learned that I could depend on me for everything I needed and that when I reached out to ask for help that I would be shamed into remembering that I could do everything on my own. And that when someone else was in need, it was my responsibility to give everything I had to earn grace, forgiveness, and a right to live this life of mine and take up space in the world.
This is how I learned to hold space. Some of these were directly express, many were implied or learned by observing the behaviors, words, and actions of those around me. Learning how to blend in so I could exist with more confidence than I had when I felt like I needed to hide.
Holding space has evolved into practicing an art form that does not sacrifice my sense of self. It’s a way of allowing space to be shared by many and the complexities of what is present within the space to come to surface without suffocating the truth or replacing them with white lies. Holding space, I feel, isn’t something that we naturally have the ability to do, but is something that we learn how to do by practicing it over and over again. It’s a technique that comes with the ability to also hold discomfort of space through pauses in conversation that create silence, distance physically from another, and witnessing someone else’s bigness without making it our own.
Holding space allows us to feel and experience more vulnerability which leads to deeper senses of safety, trust, connection, and intimacy in all kinds of relationships. Holding space with ourselves means giving room for our truths to move through us and transform over periods and time while being witnessed and expressed in rawer form. Holding space for another means being a witness to this motion and putting our opinions, judgements, fears, and insecurities at bay. It means, as the space-holder, decentering ourselves so that someone else can have the opportunity to find, express, reveal, and discover more of themselves. It means being gracious and gentle with the imperfections that happen within the process of connection and allowing time to unfold what the truth is as things settle.
Sending love and spaciousness for the exploration of SPACE in your own world. And courage, patience, curiosity, and ease as we navigate the complexities of learning + unlearning what space is, how we want to take it up, how to exist with and within it, and how to hold it for ourselves and one another. Leave a comment below or share this post to expand on and/or keep the conversation going.