Empowered as in A Reclamation of Energy
Evening pages and contemplations.
When you’re on a road to doing things differently, liberation is the leading force to push you into and through what is uncomfortable. I think about this often. How much of my time I spend with my dear friend “discomfort.” How when I decided I was “ready to heal” I accepted that it also meant I was ready to build my resiliency with discomfort in a whole new way.
I’ve spent most of my life normalizing feeling uncomfortable in my body. Not from a lens of comparison as the main culprit of discomfort - but really, truly being uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own body, in the container that I exist within. I learned earlier than I can remember how to disassociate so well that I could exist in many places all at once and no one would know. It was my savior. To drown out words, actions, and even physical acts that brought me pain and harm. I learned to use my mastery of disassociation to drive my creativity. I learned to fantasize and create stories that I could see so vividly in my mind that I almost felt like I was living in that dream.
I learned to leave my body as a way to cope with all that was happening around me so that I could not disturb the possibilities of peace when things were chaotic or scary. And I learned to minimize all emotions in such a way that I could not only adapt to any setting, but predict what others were feeling, thinking, and going to do with great ease.
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
People ask “how did you get into the work you do” and I often reply, “it got into me.” which feels like the most authentic answer I can give. Yes, I have added strategy and intention to the path I am paving and the practices, resources, and experiences I share with you, but at the root of it all, this work was birthed from a place of existing naturally and documenting my own life.
As I shifted from branding to birthwork to intimacy, kink + healing, my work became more and more personal. Which is where the name Self Study was born. I realized that the method at which I was working was not from a lens of pure research + study of others experiences, but was woven from a research of the things I was learning and developing along my own journey. Over time, and across all the roles I’ve played in life, I’ve developed a strength in expanding this childhood-coping skill-into-superstrength and have refined using my mind and creativity to disconnect from what feels normal and drop into deep learning + immersive study, building systems, and then translating my findings into simpler tools for others to apply and personalize for their own unique lives.
I love this process more than anything. Finding ways to improve and beauify anything. Creating experiences that are memorable and that hold uniqueness in a tangible way. What I’ve observed as I’ve moved deeper into my facilitator and teacher role is that there is a way that we take up space, and there is a way that we learn to exist in space, and then there’s a way that we develop the skills to space hold (I’ll write about this to you tomorrow or soon in the upcoming days).
But for today, I wanted to contemplate in this digital space with you about EMPOWERED AS A RECLAMATION OF ENERGY. Which lately for me has felt a lot like redirecting how I use my time. I’ve been seeing patterns in the conversations I have and the ways I exist in spaces with others. How I feel confident or drained in particular settings. Confused or inspired in others. My emotional and energetic hang overs feel a little differently than they have before and I have been witnessing in real time (less in reflections) how jarring “discomfort” is when I’m actually existing and feeling fully in my body and my unconscious reactivity to default to solutions to numb.
Through this work-work on self, I’ve also been finding joys and pleasure entangled with the “whewf-ness” that comes with the process of healing and growth. Mostly in the possibilities that are unfolding that are showing me what empowerment truly means to me. Which is not about too much external, but very heavily has to do with what’s happening with and in my energy - inside my body-heart-soul-mind.
I feel empowered when I feel balanced. Regulated. Connected. Individualized. I feel it when I have fluidity, abundance, inspiration, and space for creativity. I feel empowered when I am feeling - no matter what I am feeling. And by feeling I mean - sensations, not emotions - although they often walk hand in hand and I welcome both. I feel empowered when I have stability in the ways my energy moves.
I’ve been thinking about this and thinking about all the times I’ve felt disempowered. Powerless. Defeated. Numb. And they’ve come in moments when I had let go of my process, rituals, boundaries to a level that I was no longer conscious of how I am letting other use or share my time. Which in each instance that I could find resulted in draining my energy.
I think about this outside the direct experiences and explorations of curated intimacy, kink, and healing and have been witnessing how the “study hall” of these spaces is really in every day moments in every day life. Consent and ethics tied to our values, character, and core beliefs. We develop skills to communicate + act differently so we enrich the ways we understand and experience one another, but the root of how we show up in spaces and relationships is tied to how we feel empowered in real time.
One of the things that I love most about the process of negotiation is that it guides us through vetting for energy alignment and discernment of sharing our body and time. It helps us find empowerment in places in our life where we have often experienced forms of feeling disempowered. It holds us in practices of strengthening our ability to feel into our body and slow down the reactiveness from an overstimulated or confused mind. It helps us find ways to express honestly with kindness and consideration for others while still owning and holding our own boundaries, limitations, and desires. And it gives us a container to learn how to explore feeling the pendulum of a variety of stimulations mentally, emotionally, and physically - which gives us a path to reclaim our energy.
The why we choose the actions, activities, and experiences we are having isn’t necessarily the most important thing to know. From the lens of liberation - it’s often something that we don’t need to know (i.e. why do you like pain). But the intention behind what you are doing, feeling, and desiring matters a whole lot more. And choosing to be intentional leads to experiences that can feel empowering and leave you more often than not feeling energetically charged rather than drained. As we practice intentionality, we commit to the process and exploration of reclamation of our energy, over and over again. Which, over time enriches not only the quality of our connections and experiences, but enhances the quality of our entire existence across all areas of our life.
So I leave you with this curious question for you to contemplate and share your findings with me in the comments, notes, or DM me directly: How can you practice empowering yourself as a commitment to reclaiming your energy?