Adult Play 101 (part 2)
A non-exhaustive list and expansions on some basic + popular terminology and vocabulary used in kink, BDSM, Lifestyle + EMN Lifestyle Communities
One of the most empowering and beautiful parts of life is when we are able to move into courage to explore and then become our most authentic selves. This self-becoming isn’t limited to just healing the hard parts, but also healing in the ways that let us feel good. It’s the releasing of fear, shame, judgment, and contracting the desires that we hold and learning how to live in a way that allows us to create ethical, consensual decisions that provide agency, liberation, and a pleasure.
Something that I want to really amplify and help pave paths towards is healing isn’t simply “doing the work” it is also prioritizing intimacy, pleasure + play. It is in the becoming so embodied that we can be present with not only what we have always known, but we can create experiences that allow us to be present with what feels curious and desired so that we can find and live our deeper truths.
We recently shared INTRO TO ADULT PLAY (PART 1) which includes a playback from a live class last year. Below you will find some expansions on some basic + popular terminology and vocabulary used in kink, BDSM, Lifestyle + EMN Lifestyle Communities that can help you begin setting a foundation with confidence as you find your footing in exploring new, expansive, alternative, or unfamiliar territories in the ways we connect, build relationships, and play. This list is a non-exhaustive and we will continue to expand upon it in future posts to continue sharing tools that you can come back to for your own self-paced study.
If you’re curious to explore this information + move into some integration of soft + technical skills, join us for our INTIMACY, PLEASURE + PLAY class. The next class will be held Saturday, February 1st and you can find details and link to purchase a ticket on the website. You can also book a private session solo or with a partner virtually or in person with euni or join is for INTIMACY //» LAB starting in March.
INTRO TO ADULT PLAY - WHAT’S THAT MEAN?
Kink + BDSM
Kink: is often known for being associated with non-conventional sexual practices, concepts and fantasies. Kink is often related to ones sexuality, but is not exclusive to sexual acts, orientation, or expression. Kink can be experienced in monogamous relationships, with platonic play partners, in groups, at public events or private parties, for the purpose of learning, for healing, and purely for self expression, exploration, intimacy, pleasure + play.
BDSM: stands for Bondage, Discipline (Dominance), Submission, Sadomasochism. This is often associated with, defined by, and explored alongside ones kinks. There can be rules, standards, and ethics that have been created and are upheld by a collective community of people who have parts of their identity attached to the BDSM subculture.
Non Monogamy
Ethical Non Monogamy: is sometimes also called Consensual Non Monogamy or ENM and includes relationships where everyone involved has full knowledge and approves of sex outside of the main pair/bond. ENM can also include platonic connections that center intimacy romantically or in other ways. The key to ENM is transparency, communication, and informed consent.
Open Relationships: include permission to have date, have sex, and build an agreed upon form of intimate bonding outside of the main relationship. Some are full transparency. Others may be “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Swinging: is a social practice that involves sexual contact between consenting adults which can involve swapping partners and/or group sex. Couples who swing may enjoy experiences together or separately. Swinging relationships prioritize sexual experiences with others, but are often not looking for additional romantic partners.
Polyamory: often involves one or many forms of ENM and usually includes a desire for deeper connections. These connections can be centered around romance, sexual fulfillment, community or expansive family building, or following the hearts desires to express and share love with multiple or many people.
Ethics, Etiquette, and Consent Culture
Ethics: Ethical intimacy, connection, relationships + play include informed consent, explicit and transparent communication, honoring and upholding boundaries + relational rules, and honoring mental, emotional, physical, cultural, and spiritual safety and well-being of all people involved as well as considerations for the health of the community at large.
Etiquette: is a standard set of expectations, rules, and requirements to be followed by members of the community. Each venue, organization, organizer, facilitator, and sub-community follows general etiquette that has been defined and upheld by the global community and often will have adjustments and/or additions for their sub-community and culture that creates their own unique space. It’s important to invest in taking the time to review and gain understanding of the etiquette, rules, and requirements for each experience to ensure you are showing up as a safe, informed, and ethical participant and that you do your part to uphold the values and standards of the community that you are choosing to participate in.
Consent Culture: expands beyond a simple yes or no. It is in fact a cultural expectation and collective community responsibility to not only enforce, but to also continue to redefine, evolve, and expand. Consent culture allows individuals to find greater safety in exploring intimacy, edge play, and hedonism by creating ethical standards as a collective and upholding as individuals. It centers informed consent, which provides a space in connection that allows people to feel safe in gathering all of the information needed to give a true yes, ask more questions for further clarity, ask for adjustments or modifications where needed, and confidently proclaim no when something is not in alignment.
Sex Positive Etiquette for Community Building, Event Attendance, Online + in Person Socializing, and Club/Member Based Social Spaces
Sex Positive Etiquette for Community Building: There may come a time when you desire to explore taking your desires beyond the bedroom or closed doors. I believe that community building is vital to expanding the ways we live. Finding and aligning with like-minded people allows us to receive validation in our choices and also holds us accountable in our mistakes and spaces that we can improve. When seeking out sex positive community building, I believe taking your time, centering and using discernment, and navigating from your own value set will cultivate connections that can become sustainable, fruitful and rewarding. A few things we want to make big efforts to do is to confront and take ownership of how our past conditioning and upbringing creates and impacts internalized shame, hold diligence in the ways we communicate about other people’s experiences, and continue to seek out engaging with perspectives that are different from what we inherently feel comfortable with.
Confronting our own internalized shame allows us to share ourselves more authentically and to minimize the ways our action and choices create harm.
Holding diligence in the ways we communicate about other people’s experience centers respecting privacy and non-judgement. We will never fully align with every experience, space, or person we encounter, but we can explore our differences with curiosity over criticism while centering ethics and consent as the baseline for confronting where our discomforts lie and how we want to explore our edges.
A layer of exploring new communities is engaging with perspectives that are different from what we have always known or inherently feel comfortable with. Any time we meet a possibility for change, it will naturally push us towards reshaping our visions, beliefs, comfort zones, and actions. This push can, and at times will, feel confronting. And this is where and how we continue to reshape and redesign our own code of consent, boundaries, and personal ethics and standards.
Soft Skills, Negotiation, and Communications
Soft Skills: are essentially all the things we do before touch begins. It encompasses the parts of connection that help us find and create a sense of safety, truth, understanding, and connection, and visibility. Soft skills are just as important, if not more, than technical skills and creating the space, time, and intention to develop these is essential for all types of intimate connection.
Negotiation: Negotiation is a curated conversation intended to frame a space for connection before intimate play. During a negotiation, it’s important that everyone involved is at a place of neutral power - there are no power dynamics within a negotiation. It is a time for each person to show up, share openly and honestly to create a co-create a space that is safe for the exploration of desires at hand. During a negotiation, each person shares their desires, intentions, boundaries, edges, education/experience level, verbal and non-verbal safe words + cues, what the associated risks are and what they’re willing to risk, history/injuries/limitations/relevant information for one to know about your health, and aftercare plan and needs. During a negotiation it is also really advisable and important to share an emergency plan, sexual health history, boundaries, and desires, any agreements with existing partners, and anything else that you want to be known before play begins. This is a time to ask questions and lean into your courage and curiosity to be really direct and open with your communication.
Vetting, Education, and Social Groups
Vetting: Is essentially an “interview” process. It’s how we gather information about a person, place, group, or event to help us determine if it’s the right fit for our desires and needs. Play is individualized and what one person likes, needs or has limitations around is going to be different than another persons. We use vetting to help us understand and use discernment so that we can have experiences that feel good and can minimize regret or harm. You can vet through social media, talking to other members in the community or a potential partners past/existing partners, observing a scene or attending an event without engaging, or asking direct and specific questions to the person or people within the group that you’d like to engage with. You want to take time to understand what you want, need, and where your boundaries lie to help you find and formulate your questions. Vetting can reveal that although there is alignment in interest, there may be a difference in desires, intentions, or styles of play. And knowing this can be really helpful in creating experiences we want and minimizing ones that we do not.
Education: When we are exploring new things, it’s important to take time to learn from others who are trained, skilled, and experienced in the areas of interest. This not only gives us confidence, but it helps us rewrite internalized fear, shame, and ways of showing up with others and ourselves that can cause harm. You can invest time in learning online or by attending in person workshops, events, and social gatherings. There are experts and professionals who specialize in every topic imaginable who’s priority is to help people find their way in the things they want to explore.
Social Groups: Community is important in connection. It helps us find and form relationships with like-minded people. This holds importance because when we are moving outside of the societal norms, there is a wide variety of ways that we will experience challenges. Social groups help us explore what we are curious about and have outside perspectives that encourage us to define our own truths rather than simply conforming to what we’ve always known. It’s important to use discernment when moving into groups and continually check in with our own self to determine if what the standard of group think is aligns with our own values. Not all groups are for everyone and we get the opportunity to find the spaces that align without own wild, weird selves.
Safety - In scenes, Mental/Emotional, and Sexual Health
Safety in Scenes: When we take the time to vet and negotiate it helps us create safer environments to explore our edges. When taking risks, safety is priority and foundation. Safety requires mental, physical, emotional, cultural, educational, and environmental awareness, discernment and prioritization. Ways we create safety in scenes are by negotiation and vetting, understanding any tools/implements function, limitations, and risks and making sure they are in good condition and not damaged, having and holding awareness of the external environmental elements and people in the area who are not part of the scene, having safe words, a first aid kit, emergency plan, and even a spotter/assistant/chaperone are all things you can do to increase and create safety.
Mental/Emotional Safety: It’s non-negotiable that we take care of our mental and emotional health for our overall wellbeing and for the overall health of our relationships and the collective. When we explore our edges and things that may confront our boundaries, our mental and emotional health will need tending to. Having external support beyond your play partner is vital. Designing a personal care plan for before, during, and after a scene or play date is one of the best ways you can do this. Creating rituals and practices that you tune into frequently, even when you are not playing will build strength and resilience that helps you navigate challenges with more ease. You can tend to your mental/emotional safety by engaging in traditional mindfulness practices such as meditation, journaling, and breathwork. Finding a supportive, aware, and open mental health therapist or counsellor who is non-judgmental/experienced in the areas you are exploring. Having a really solid aftercare plan that centers what you need to return to your full agency and feeling grounded within yourself.
Sexual Health: Finding confidence, honesty and directness in both taking care of our sexual health and having open conversations about it is not only important, it’s responsible, ethical, and centers consensual connection. It can feel awkward to be forward and disclosing about your health (as it can effect/impact someone else), what your needs and boundaries are with sexual connections, and what your boundaries are within play. But the more we center this in our own lives, the less awkward it feels for us and the more permission and safety we give those we are connecting with to practice and move through any fears of honest and direct communication about really important things. Things that are important to consider discussing with new partners and with partners we have ongoing relationships with can be: what our contraceptive methods are, what types of protection/barriers we use or being honest and transparent if we do not, when was the last time we were tested for STI’s and what the results were, if we have any hygiene needs before, during, after to help us feel safe and stay balanced within our bodies, and what our sexual practices are with other people we are involved with. This conversation doesn’t need to be long or even super detailed, and should center facts that help everyone gather information that they need to make informed decisions about the choices they’d like to make. This conversation is not for asking for information such as private or descriptive details, body count, or evoking shame. When we are able to have direct and transparent conversations about sexual health, it can lead to us to feeling more liberated in our explorations and heal blocks, barriers, and internalized shame from conditioning and past experiences.
A Place to Become:
We’re charging ahead with the vision to open our physical space this coming summer! We’ve begun the process to make this possible and your help and support will be an intricate part of making this a reality. This studio will be unlike any other place you’ve experienced and will be a place for this work, our collective groups, and greater visions to evolve, become, and belong. Each month we’ll share more about the progress, plans, and sticking points so that you can be involved every step of the way. Profits, donations, and contributions collected through Self Study will go towards the bringing this space from a dream into reality.
Love this work? Help us open our physical space summer 2025!
Join the Sensory Playspace community on Substack and subscribe to receive posts directly to your inbox.
Subscribe here:
Contribute to the Go Fund Me: https://gofund.me/fd148755
Book a session: http://selfstudylab.com/sessions
Attend an event, workshop or lab: http://selfstudylab.com/events