Navigating Ambiguity, Rejection + Push Pull Energy in Creativity, Connection + Love

How to hold ourselves through transitions with an open heart + curiosity.

Listen, there’s no real stability. In everything, in every moment, change is taking place. It’s something that is the root of living and the formula for what it is to being alive.

Change is hard to embody. To accept - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and rationally. The theorizing and philosophizing of growth is… simple. We can conceptualize when we learn how to look at things from a different angle and through a new lens. We can put ourselves in the shoes of another in a way that lets us show up on the surface with a level of care to connect even though internally we are navigating complexities, confusions and disconnection with understanding the ways we’re moving through change.

So what does this even mean? How do we achieve “healing” if we’re always holding connection with the misunderstands that inevitably surface with motion towards and through the unknown?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about navigating ambiguity, rejection + push-pull energy in creativity, connection + love. Sacral-solar plexus-heart energy shit. Dissecting the ways in which an open heart feels and the pains we must endure in order to overcome and become. The ways in which we must rewrite the perceptions we hold of the realities that exist so that they are not clouded by our past’s experiences and our future’s demands are laborious. This a commitment that often feels like never-ending-work. But it can also grow into a practice that feels ritualistic with discipline, time and effort.

So as we move through the motion and find momentum to become softer in the parts of ourselves that have been hardened by the unavoidable truths of life - how do we navigate the unknown?

Something that has been really hard for me to not only process, but to lean into learning how to exist with and find comfort and care from is ambiguity, rejection and the feelings of push-pull that happens when relating with others and the world outside of myself. A function that sometimes feels like a default of living with a wildly open heart is the ways in which I process pain. The stings that come from mis-matched energy. This energy expands beyond the big, harmful, messy things. It really sinks into the little, subtle, unintentional misalignment of things. The ways in which the world outside of me says no.

No feels like rejection. Even when it comes from a place of care. Even when it’s someone saying yes to themselves. And especially when its a redirection from the curator of humanity (god/universe/source/spirit/ancestors/higher self/etc). I find myself in “what the fuck” feelings frequently. Not because I am ill-equipped to understand the nuances that exist within all the layers of reality that span beyond me. But because there’s a longing for more.

I find myself moving disappointment, anger, rage, and shame more frequently that I’d like to experience. And this at times makes me feel wrong. But I can also reflect back on times in my life that I was so numb that I didn’t feel anything. That I pushed it all down so deeply that I felt dead inside. That the only way I could feel is through the lens of deep pain.

Now I feel alive most of the time. And in this feeling - I’m feeling layers of everything. I am feeling frustration for the awakening in my body and the ways in which my mind doesn’t always match my heart + souls demands. A confusion with the process of moving through life and how long it takes for details to surface and unwind. An impatience for the process that pulls me into pits of pity that tell me I am wrong and can’t or won’t amount to much of anything.

But anger, rage, shame and all the “ugly” things are part of intimacy too. They require vulnerability, trust, and curiosity just the same. They demand presence and honesty. And they bring us into the same humility that we experience when we are holding love.

Sometimes I fear that these parts of me are all that anyone else will see. I feel exposed by even thinking much less speaking about the imperfections that eat away at the tender parts of me.

And in and with this feeling - I hold gratitude. For the knowing that I am here, feeling, and unfolding deeper parts of me. I am humbled by the honesty that it takes for me to look into the mirror that I hold for myself and the ways in which everyone and everything I experience reflects back to me parts of myself that I previously was afraid to see. I don’t always know what to do with these visuals in a moment which makes me feel unworthy momentarily. And the more I hold the discomfort of all these complexities, the greater my capacity has become to face and confront anything.

I’ve been dreaming all of my life. It’s been a place to escape when reality was too hard to be within. And a place to create from when my heart was overflowing with love. It gives me purpose and paves a path towards hopefulness that drowns out the noise of the world that challenges me to feel hopeless over and over again. Dreaming has been my greatest strength, an artistry that has woven a fabric that drapes across all parts of my life. It’s been a commitment to move through and take action within life from a place of love and not a reaction of fear or animosity.

The last few years I have been oscillating dreaming and rejection like I was training for the Olympics. I sometimes question why I am so committed to the process of feeling into and through the pain - unsure if its necessary or just a devoted practice designed to feed my inner masochist. Nonetheless, the more I examine existing, the more I understand that the journey is moving me towards the ability to become greater than I have already been.

Not just greater.
But softer.
More confident.
A holder of deep agency.
A knower of authenticity.
An expression of intimacy.
A lover of loving gently.
A purist for the sake of truth.
A creator for the purpose of existing wildly.
A curator of connection to all that opens and expands with and through love.

So when I am holding these opposing energies - abundance and scarcity - what do I do with the energy that surface and threatens to derail me? How do I understand, and more importantly, innerstand rejection as something that isn’t a repulsion of me but rather a welcoming to tune within and explore more of me?

Intimacy.

Not just for the performance of knowing and controlling another through connection and closeness. But as an essence that allows me to move through the world with a humble bravery that can stand in the storm of anything and come out on the other side more confidently. This is challenged when there’s a push-pull in energy externally that holds us floating ambiguously in the space in between certainty and the unknown. It activates confusion, frustration, fear, shame, and pain that says perhaps, we are not worthy, we are not valued, we are not enough. And it moves our mind away from creation with love into curation of wild stories that expose the shadows lingering in the darkest parts of our hearts.

I don’t know if there’s a quick and dirty path to take. This is a journey. This is a commitment to becoming intimately expressed and experienced in everything that we are asked and invited to face. It’s a shedding and softening of the ways we bully ourselves out of becoming the greatness that exists beyond the discomfort of feeling like we’re failing at the important parts of life.

So to confront rejection means we must also confront shame. It requests we look into the eyes of our own self and find honesty about the stories that we hid and the lies we design to present perfectly put together so we can bypass the layers of vulnerability that are tied to admitting that we may not be good enough for the life we thought we could live.

This story isn’t truth. But being able to speak the truths that are ugly and cruel to ourselves lifts the veil and removes the pressure to keep living under the weight of these lies.

So perhaps when we feel ambiguity, rejection and the feelings of push-pull that happens when relating with others there is also a way in which we are feeling a disconnection from intimacy with ourselves. This isn’t a formula for dismissing knowingly hurtful behaviors from others - it’s simply an exploration of becoming more autonomous in living uninhibitedly in our own lives. It’s an invitation to create a strength within our expression that comes from intimately unfolding all the beautiful, imperfect, and expansive parts of ourselves that we have yet given the energy or time to know. It’s a release of fear and a growing towards grounding into shamelessly sharing without fully knowing if it’s 100% right.

When we move with the intention to know intimacy in everything we encounter - we have a strength to hold anything with courage, curiosity, and care. And with this we become more resilient and less impacted by the natural course of growth and change. We love without labels or ownership and reduce the ways we seek to demand control. We open towards the unknown with a certainty that whatever we come across will give us the opportunity to not only create, but curate a life that holds excitement, pleasure, play, and depth. And we become more stable, clear, and compassionate in moments that feel chaotic or out of control.

This is healing.
This is the practice of intimately opening towards, knowing, and becoming deeply embodied in oneself.

This practice is a ritual that is designed for every part of life. And can deepen the spaces that feel special to you. It’s a reworking of ones own language and a reformatting of the actions that one has always known. It’s a mindset that is beyond mental, but a truer expression of ones collaboration with their own body-mind-heart-soul. It’s a desire that pulls one forward and is fueled by a passion to live life fully. This is what it is to open to intimacy.

This month, I’m inviting you to go deeper with me.

I can’t create the intimacy you desire, but I can guide you in a way that helps you uncover your deepest truths and helps you get there. OPEN TO INTIMACY is a one month group mentorship container for those who desire to dive deeper into their intimacy, healing + relational journey with guided support.

This mentorship container is a dedicated space to help you move towards living a more connective, authentic, and pleasure centered life. OPEN is a space for learning more about your own unique desires, language, and connection to all the layers of intimacy and will empower you to understand and embody greater agency, expression, and confidence in connecting with others around pleasure, play + love.

We meet weekly on Tuesdays at 5pm for one month online for guided group sessions to explore topics, somatic practices + workshop connective tools in a space designed to move each individual towards better embodiment and bravery to live life more intimately.

Mentorship begins July 22nd. Does this sound like something for you? Learn more + sign up to join us in the journeying towards living more openly with intimacy in all the parts of your life.

Because, what else do we have to do with a life other than full live?

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Other ways to experience/contribute with euni:

• 21 Days of Intimacy - self paced lab
• Instagram: selfstudylab
• Join the Sensory Playspace Chat
• Donate to the somatic studio fundraiser
• Sign up as a paid subscriber