Aftercare for all types of Intimacy: What is it? Why we do it. Put it into Practice.
Aftercare is how we take care of ourselves and others after intimate connections.
Aftercare is a non-negotiable part of kink-centered connections. And in my opinion, should be a priority included across all types of intimacy, not just play that centers BDSM. Think about physical connections + sex, emotional conversations, moments and experiences with heightened intensity, and with when we share personal and vulnerable parts of ourselves, our past, and our insecurities or fears.
Why you may ask?
Intimate connections require vulnerability. And when we open ourselves up towards allowing more vulnerability, it increases our ability to deepen connections, but it also increases the feelings that are associated with rejection, shame, guilt, fear, and regret. The surfacing of these feelings and emotions are not always our fullest truth, and this is why aftercare is so vital.
What is it?
Aftercare is how we take care of ourselves and one another after intimate connections.
It happens immediately after a scene or experience comes to an end (for example, after finish removing your very last tie, post sex, or when you’re coming to the end of a deep conversation). It can look a lot of different ways and it will vary from person to person. You come to understand another persons aftercare needs through conversations and negotiations that happen before connection begins.
Why we do it?
The discussion needs to happen before connection starts to help everyone involved come to a common understanding and agreement of what the needs, expectations, and care that is needed for each person to return to their own power and leave feeling good about the things that were shared and explored. When we create space to ask our partners, no matter if they are casual or one off connections or people we have chosen to take up significant space in our lives, we create a type of care that is very human and affirms that we can ask for our needs to be met and they can be heard and honored. And it also supports us in voicing our truths and then collaboratively finding solutions when our exact asks can’t be met in the exact way we’d hope they could. For instance, you may have a super emotional conversation with a partner and want to follow that up with physical intimacy but that might not feel aligned for your partner. They can present alternative options (like we can hold hands instead of having sex) as a way to meet each other in a place that feels comfortable and consensual for everyone involved. And in cases where we are unable to meet another persons aftercare requests - no matter the reason - we can be supportive by making sure they have a plan for how to outsource this to an alternative person or place so that they can be cared for in the ways they need.
Put it into Practice
It’s always a kinder practice to collaborate with the people involved to create an intentional space to have and hold vulnerability. This isn’t always how it unfolds, but when we are able to take the time to slow down and create a container, we can navigate connections with more passion, tenderness, presence, pleasure, honesty, and care. Beyond the immediate post-connection aftercare, I always encourage a next day check in and in experiences that are more intense in any kind of way - checking in with one another a few days in a row.
Here are some easy to apply suggestions for inspiration that can support you with practicing centering aftercare with different types of intimacy:
Emotional Intimacy
Ask each other what feels good after opening up and sharing vulnerable information or conversations. Some things that could feel good are validation, affirming or reassuring words, physical closeness or touch, space for a while to be alone and process or recalibrate, or doing something light-hearted that brings joy and laughter into the space.
Physical or Sexual Intimacy
Pre-foreplay chats about expectations, boundaries, sexual health, and desires can not only be sexy, but can help everyone let down their walls and drop into the connection with confidence and clarity. The wants and needs after sharing our bodies with others can change from connection to connection so dropping into your own body and asking it what would feel good for you today can help you communicate and drop into the moment with others with clarity, openness, and more trust. Post physical or sexual intimacy aftercare can look like cuddling, talking about what you liked/would like to explore in the future, hydration, showering or taking a bath together or on your own, eating, listening to music or watching a movie or show together.
Kinky Intimacy
Kink and BDSM communities have a standard for engaging in play that is used universally. Scenes begin with vetting and negotiation, pique with play, and end with aftercare. Kinky aftercare will overlap with some of the emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy practices, and may also include tending to any irritations or injuries, cleaning up and sanitizing the physical space and resetting it for others to play, and helping your play partner find resources, connection with community, or additional support if something comes up that needs extra care.