3 Ways to Practice Intimacy Without Sex

Because.... "How we do one thing is how we do everything."

Intimacy is often used as a code word for sex. And there’s a common assumption that happens that I have experienced that brings up confusion when interacting in the dating world. Particularly for me. Let me expand.

Generally speaking, we have been modeled and often default to assume without asking (for further description or explanation). And from our assumptions, move into actions, accusations, or avoidances to drive home the point. This is something that all of us do in one way or another. In teeny tiny ways, and sometimes in bigger ways that can lead to friction, conflict, freeze/fawn, or even cause greater challenges like feelings of harm or violation.

More often than not, people are not intending to do something hurtful or harmful to another person. But rather, are often moving too quickly and from a place of agenda rather than connection. When we attempt to open up towards intimacy, it frequently comes from a place of wanting to fulfill a need. A need for connection. A need for touch. A need to be heard or seen. A need to release. A need to feel pleasure, playful, and free. And when we separate our needs from the ability to hold the complexities and truth that they cannot exist in a vacuum as we explore relating and building relationships, we reveal the importance of what it is to move more intentionally. This applied to relationships of any kind - and any dynamic - including, and primarily, the relationship with ourselves.

I ponder daily about vulnerability and intimacy. How they are so entangled that there’s no way they can exist purely on their own. How much I am discovering about a desire to be intimate - to receive, give + share intimacy - also means that you are desiring to receive, give + share vulnerability. I find myself wondering, when someone says they want to experience intimacy, what is it that THEY really mean? It too often is lazy-speak. Code word and misusage of languaging to try to minimize desire, intention, and an inability to open up towards vulnerability.

Intimacy can - and does - exist in many forms. It’s an expression that is not limited to one space, type of relationship, or even space we are in. Intimacy is a way of existing. It’s the ways in which we act and extend care. Not just care like “self care” or “caretaking” but care like - desire to co-exist with another in ways that allow each of us to drop into a moment most authentically as our truer, or ideally, our truest selves. Intimacy allows us to feel and find safety in vulnerability. It creates a container that can contain the wholeness that we are. And it allows us to see and be seen in our rawest forms.

Intimacy does not begin with a plunge into the the depths of the ocean. But it’s really a voyage that starts with a little splash of water on the surface of our skin. Vulnerability isn’t sharing - or oversharing the hidden parts of ourselves: our traumas, fears, mistakes, dark secrets, deepest desires, greatest pains. It’s edging towards trust over time. Giving a little to understand another’s - and our own - capacity to expose and hold. To reveal and be held. Intimacy is the journey, not the destination paved by consistency, honesty, and trust in vulnerability.

So for all you lovers who want to deepen your capacity for vulnerability so you can experience more of the intimacy you long for, here are 3 practices that you can explore on your own to guide you into the places you want to explore and grow. Review, refine to make it work for you, and carve out some time to give it a try.

1. Take relationships off pedestals

   Most of us view certain types of relationships as more important and deserving over others. This leads us to shape-shift our behaviors and mask, perform, and treat others with more or less respect based the level of importance they’ve been given in our minds. I have been practicing, learning, and growing - not only in my experiences, but my character, values, and ethics in relationships by practicing non-heirachy for relationships of all kinds. This isn’t a 100% system - but it’s something that I try to lean to over and over again. I don’t value my romantic partners over my friends, my family over my co-workers. My shifts in the ways in which I show up with others often mirrors how they show up with me. Where I feel valued, seen, held, heard, supported, and connected are the relationships that get more of my attention and time.

   
   Part of this uncovering and discovery of how I feel within a relationship comes from my commitment to keeping consistency on who I am, how I show up, and being genuine no matter the space I am within. My genuineness is closely tied to my ability to be vulnerable which requires me to allow intimacy in places that general society may say I need to play games, hide, guard, or make people “earn my time.” I’m finding that when I make attempts to be my whole self - with discernment and consideration of the people within the space - I am naturally practicing intimacy. And I am experiencing more intimate connections with everyone in my life, including, and especially myself.

   I am able to ask more direct questions to gain understanding of someone else’s needs, capacity, boundaries and limitations - no matter if they are my lover, friend, co-worker, client, or parent. This creates a container for each of us to show up more authentically and to choose honesty, which is an act of vulnerability. In the sharing honestly and directly, we can experience emotional vulnerability which often can be a building block towards other types of intimacy and can allow us to determine what is available within the relationship, space, or experiences we are are building with another.

2. Take time to talk to, touch, move, and be still with yourself

   It’s common that we reach out for intimacy. We seek validation with others that we have not developed a solid way of holding on our own or with/for ourselves. We seek emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, sexual, and relational intimacy with anyone and everything outside of us in big and small ways and it’s less often that we keep and hold the space to prioritize doing this on our own with our own self.

   What I have discovered from this is that the way we show up with ourselves creates a pattern for how we show up with others. I’m learning all the ways in which I minimize myself to let my discomfort take the stage. I create space each day to look at myself and explore, with as much honesty as I can access and hold in that day, how I am contracting, controlling, shaming, containing, and withholding the things I want to experience the most. I am a person who has learned to not only survive, but to thrive, by making myself small. To put everyone and everything before myself and to disconnect so much from my own body that I can’t even hear, feel, or interpret my own intuition or needs.

   I’ve come a long way in my journey to being in my body and letting it lead me intuitively. I have a long way to go. Not because I’m something or someone to “fix” but because our patterns are practices that we commit to living daily. Intimacy is a daily practice and dedicated time I give to and take for myself. I create space to feel - even on the days that I want to numb. Sometimes, I can only feel for a few minutes, or a few breaths. But I commit to it. I try. I create space to slow down before I get out of bed in the morning and assess what is good/hard/exciting about life. I breathe and I find ways to be present with my breath. I take time to touch my own skin. Some days it’s purely a little smack on my thigh or ass. Others it’s oiling and dry brushing or sinking into pleasure practices like dancing, singing, or making art. I journal + cry. I laugh and look myself in the eyes. I say I love you, euni and hold my own hand. I lay on the floor and listen to music and close my eyes.

   At this point, it feels natural and like just another moment in my every day life. But it’s taken time. The thing is, when I decided that I wanted intimacy to be a significant part of my life, I decided that I would do what made me uncomfortable so I could understand myself more, so I could try to change what wasn’t fulfilling me and expand what I wanted most in my life. Currently, there are less days that I feel empty and lacking in connection - even though I spend a good amount of time alone. I don’t feel a deficit of intimacy of any kind. And I know that a portion of this is because I return to - and commit to creating - my own intimacy practices each day and exploring deeper parts of myself. This empowers me to show up in spaces and with others more authentically and confidently in holding my truths, communicating with more clarity, and fluidity and flexibility in my curiosities and explorations.

3. Ask questions to be curious and hold space

   I think we more often default to opening and seeking conversations as a space to be seen and heard. Which increases the possibility of putting a wedge in the opportunity to connect. When we speak to be heard in spaces that have not been exclusively dedicated to this (i.e. when I’m teaching/facilitating, creating content, in therapy, or being asked directly to speak) it takes away our ability to explore with another. I believe intimacy is an act and dedication to learning. And when we learn, we’re not filling the space with our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs or needs. It’s a time when we are absorbing from an outside source. We do this by listening and contemplating what is being shared. This leads us to asking - to becoming curious - based on what we’ve seen, felt, or heard - to get more information and a better understanding. Which takes courage, humility, and vulnerability.

   When we ask questions, we are allowing the receiver of these questions to look deeper at themselves. This allows them to choose more vulnerability, honesty, and gives space to lean into opening towards more connection, which are all practices of intimacy. We can do this with others, and we can also do this with ourselves. One of the greatest ways to experience more intimacy and become more intimate is to allow spaciousness for curiosity, questions, and allowing contemplation and imperfections in communication and conversations.

No matter what your deepest desire is for intimacy and connection with others may be, dedicating time to practicing intimacy without sex will expand your ways of connecting overall. I’d love to hear how you’re exploring experience, embody, and explore intimacy in your own time. Like this post, leave a comment, repost, share with a friend/on your socials, or shoot me a direct message and let’s allow the conversation to grow.

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